英語小笑話（精）
英語小笑話1
joe and fred were helping to build a house in a village. the weather was very warm, there was a lot of dust everywhere, and by half past twelve, they were very thirsty, so they stopped work to have their lunch. they found the nearest small bar, went in and sat down with their sandwiches.
喬和佛瑞德在一個村子里幫忙蓋一間房子。天氣很暖和，到處都有許多灰塵。12點半的時候，他們覺得非常口渴，便停下來去吃午飯了。他們找到最近的一家酒吧，走進去坐下吃他們的'三明治。
good afternoon, gentlemen. what can i get you? the man behind the bar asked.
下午好，先生。你們想要點什么?柜臺后面的伺應問道。
joe looked at fred and said, beer, i think. yes, a pint of beer each. is that all right for you, fred?
喬看了看佛瑞德說：我想，啤酒吧。好，那就每人一品脫啤酒。這樣可以嗎，佛瑞德?
yes, that's all right. fred said. then he turned to the man behind the bar and said, and i want it in a clean glass! don't forget that.
好的，可以。佛瑞德說。然后他轉過去跟柜臺后面的侍應說：我要啤酒裝在一個干凈的杯子里!別忘了。
the man behind the bar filled the glasses and brought them to joe and fred. then he said. which of you asked for the clean glass?
柜臺后面的侍應倒滿杯子后，拿給喬和佛瑞德，接著說：剛才哪一位要干凈的杯子的?
英語小笑話2
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment,he said,"Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open,push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well,gosh," was the reply,"You're not coming empty-hangded,are you?
英語小笑話3
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
一男子去酒吧，點了一杯啤酒。他喝了一口放下。當他環視酒吧時，發現一只猴子蕩下來，在他阻止之前，偷走了啤酒。該男子問酒吧招待，這只猴子是誰的'。服務員回答說是鋼琴手的。男子走到鋼琴手面前問：“你知道你的猴子偷了我的啤酒嗎？”鋼琴手回答說：“沒有，但是如果你能哼唱，我會為你演奏的。”
英語小笑話4
幸運的母親
A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.
一位年輕的母親認為，世界上還有許多受饑餓的人，浪費食物真不應該。有天晚上，在安排幼小的'女兒睡覺之前，她給女兒喂夜宵。她先給她一片新鮮的黑面包和黃油，但孩子說她不喜歡這樣吃。她還要一些果醬涂在面包上。
Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam.
母親看了女兒幾秒鐘，隨即說道，“露茜，當我像你一樣小的時候，總是吃面包加黃油，或者面包加果醬，從來沒有面包既加黃油又加果醬�！�
Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you pleased that you've come to live with us now?"
露茜看了母親一會兒，眼中露出憐憫的神情，然后她柔聲說：“您現在能跟我們生活在一起難道不感到高興嗎?”
英語小笑話5
A farmer and his son, traveling by horse and buggy up a narrow lane, met a motorist going the other way. There was no room to pass for two miles in either direction. The motorist, in hurry,honked his horn.
"If you don't back up," said the farmer, rolling up his sleeves, "I won't like what I'm going to have to do." The surprised driver put his car in reverse and backed up two miles, allowing the horse and buggy to go by.
"What was it you wouldn't have liked to have done back there?" asked the farmer's son.
"Back up two miles," replied the farmer.
一位農民和他的兒子坐著馬車來到一條狹窄的小巷， 他們看到一個司機正往他們這個方向開來。兩個方向2英里以內已經沒有空間讓他們擦身而過了。司機焦急地按著喇叭。
“假如你不往后退，”農民擼著袖子說，“我并不喜歡我將要必須去做的.事�！彼緳C甚是驚訝，掛了倒擋，退后了2英里，讓馬車先過去了。
“剛才你說你并不喜歡做的事是什么啊?”農民的兒子問。
“退后2英里�！鞭r民回答。
英語小笑話6
it's not my fault
不是我的`錯
mother (reprimanding訓斥，譴責 her small daughter): you mustn't pull the cat's tail.
媽媽(正教訓她的女兒)：你不該拽貓的尾巴。
daughter: i'm only holding it, mom. the cat's doing the pulling.
女兒：媽，我只是握著貓尾巴，它自己在拽。
英語小笑話7
What are the Two Words?
A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?
Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?
是哪兩個詞？
一個非常和藹的'老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。我親愛的，老夫人說，我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應永遠不要用兩個詞，一個是“討厭的”，另一個是“極好的”。你能答應我嗎？
噢，當然，奶奶。女孩說：是哪兩個詞？
英語小笑話8
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.
"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
譯文：
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”
“我給了一個可憐的老太婆，”他回答說。
“你真是個好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。
“再給你兩分錢�？赡銥槭裁磳δ俏焕咸敲锤信d趣呢？”
“她是個賣糖果的`�！�
英語小笑話9
How to Become Rich 如何致富
Little brother: I saw you kiss my elder sister, and if you don't give me a nickel I'll tell my father.Sister's boyfriend: No, don't do that. Here's a nickel.Little brother: That makes a buck and a quarter I've made this month.
弟弟：我看見你親我姐姐了，如果你不給我五分錢，我就告訴我爸。姐姐的男朋友：不要那樣做。給你五分錢。弟弟：我這個月已經賺了一塊兩毛五了。
英語小笑話10
1.what's the longest word in the world?世界上最長的單詞是什么?
答：smiles. because there's a mile between the letter 's'.微笑。因為兩個字母s中間隔了一里。
2.what question is that to which you must always answer "yes"? 什么問題你只能回答“yes”?
答："what does y-e-s spell?" (當別人問你)“yes”怎么拼?
3.where were you when the power was cut off? 當停電的時候你在哪?
答：in the darkness. 在黑暗中
4.what question can never be answered by “yes”? (哪個問題永遠不能回答“是的`”?)
答：are you asleep? (你睡著了嗎)
5.what tree is always very sad? (那種樹總是很傷心?)
答：weeping willow. (垂柳 weep哭泣 willow柳樹)
6.why are people tired on April fool's day? (愚人節人們為什么疲倦?)
答：because they have just had a long march. ( 因為他們剛過了長長的三月。march 三月;行軍)
7.what weather do mice and rats fear? (老鼠害怕什么天氣?)
答：when it's raining cats and dogs.(下大雨。rain cats and dogs 下大雨 )
8.when do dogs refuse to follow their masters? (狗什么時候不愿跟隨主人?
答：when their masters go to the flea market.(主人去跳蚤市場時。flea 跳蚤 flea market 舊貨市場 )
9.when can you get water with a net? (什么時候可以用網兜裝水?)
答：when water is turned into ice. (當水結成冰時)
10.why is the pig always eating?豬為什么沒完沒了地吃?
答：he's making a hog of himself.它想成為一只肉豬。
英語小笑話11
a doctor came into the hospital ward and said to mr. johnson, "i have some good news and some bad news for you."
一位醫生走進醫院的病房，告訴強森先生：“我有一個好消息和一個壞消息要告訴你�！�
then mr. johnson said, "please, give me the good news first."
強森先生說：“請先告訴我好消息吧!”
so the doctor said, "the doctors here are going to name an incurable disease after you."
醫生說：“本院的醫師決定用你的'名字，來為一種不治之癥命名�！�
英語小笑話12
As the mother of three small children born two years apart, I'm often very tired in the evening. Their father and I have set strict rules that after stories，prayers, one drink and the bathroom scene，they must go to bed and stay there.
One night，after a particularly trying day，all three were finally tucked in and I headed to the kitchen for some cookies，milk and solitude. I had just started to relax when I was surrounded by three little people，standing there watching me eat. Turning to their father I asked，"Do we relent or stick with the rules?"
Our three-year-old piped up，”Stick with the rules,Mom. "
Knowing she didn't really want to be sent back to bed,I asked，"And what are the rules，Mellisa?"
"Share with one another,"she replied.
英語小笑話13
Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.
Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!
弗蘭克叔叔七十八歲了，富有而健康。他是個終生單身漢。他曾追求過很多女孩，但“從不過熱----見好就收”。一天他突發奇想，決定四處走走，去看看他那些接近一打的舊時女友。
他回來即嘆道：“噓！謝天謝地幸虧我沒娶那些女人中的任何一個。如今她們都成寡婦了！”
英語小笑話14
I worked as a mailman for a short time. However, I am afraid of dogs and I had a lot of trouble.
One day I tried to deliver some letters to a big house. I started to open the gate and all of a sudden a huge dog ran towards me.It growled and barked at me, I threw the letters over the fence. The dog picked them up and carried them into the house. The dog was a better mailman than I was!
我當過很短時間的郵遞員。然而，我害怕狗，而且也有過不少麻煩。
有一天，我設法到一座大房子去遞送幾封信。我開始打開門，這時，突然一只很大的.狗朝我跑來。它朝我嚎叫、咆哮著，因此我把信件扔在了柵欄上。那只狗拾起那些信件，把信件帶進了大房子。比起我來講，那只狗是個更好的郵遞員。
英語小笑話15
GroundRules OneofmyfavoriteteachersatSoutheastMissouriStateUniversityinCapeGirardeauwasknownofhisdrollsenseofhumor.Explaininghisgroundrulestoonefreshmanclass,hesaid,"NowIknowmylecturescanoftenbedryandboring,soIdon‘tmindifyoulookatyourwatchesduringclass.Ido,however,objecttoyourpoundingthemonthedesktomakesurethey‘restillrunning."
基本原則
位于吉拉多海角的.密蘇里東南州立大學有一位我非常喜歡的老師，他奇特的幽默感很是出名。在對一個新生班級講解他的基本原則時，他說：“我知道我的講課可能經常會枯燥乏味，了無生趣，所以如果你們在上課時看表我并不介意。不過我堅決反對你們將表在課桌上猛敲看它們是不是還在走�！�
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